ACoN not Akon…

… Though Akon’s lyrics do suggest he could be a bit of a narcissist,
Or maybe Akon is an ACoN.

Adult Children of Narcissistic parents (ACoNs) know a special type of emotional abuse in being raised by narcissists.
Not every emotionally abusive parent has the narcissistic personality disorder, but every single narcissistic parent is an emotional abuser-intensified.

The childhood of a person raised by a narcissistic parent is all kinds of horrible. The narcissist parent does not recognize the child as a separate human—but either an extension of self, an Echo, a mirror, an object, or a servant.

The childhood of a kid being raised by a narcissistic parent is a brutal one. And, unfortunately, due to the amount of psychological manipulation and abuse that the child is conditioned to accept, the abuse of the narcissistic parent often extends far into adulthood.

Narcissistic personality disorder is one of a group of conditions called dramatic personality disorders. People with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, and a distorted self-image.

Narcissistic personality disorder is further characterized by an abnormal love of self, an exaggerated sense of superiority and importance, and a preoccupation with success and power.

Imagine
(Only 4 of many examples of a narcissistic parent)

1. Everything she does is deniable. There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to help you.

2. She violates your boundaries. You feel like an extension of her. Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you. Your food is eaten off your plate or given to others off your plate. Your property may be repossessed and no reason given other than that it was never yours. Your time is committed without consulting you, and opinions purported to be yours are expressed for you.

3. She undermines. Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. Any success or accomplishment for which she cannot take credit is ignored or diminished. Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or she doesn’t come, or she leaves early, or she acts like it’s no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn’t as much as you could have done or as you think it is.

4. She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, and she will never acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely infuriating tactic called “gaslighting,” common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.

DOES ANY OF THIS SOUND FAMILIAR TO YOU? Do you know someone who grew/is growing up like this? Was this similar to your own childhood? Or do the above examples sound like habits you yourself have?

For anyone wanting to help ACoNs:
Give the children in your life (whether students, nephews, nieces, etc.) respect, dignity, and a listening ear. A child who is emotionally abused may not be able to voice what is happening in their home life but they will feel crippling loneliness and lingering sorrow—and the kind, thoughtful words of an adult in his/her life will make a huge difference. Your attention, kindness, and respect will give the child a sense of how healthy people treat one another.

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5 thoughts on “ACoN not Akon…

  1. I had an ephiphany concerning narcissic parenting after reading the autobiography Jesus, My Father, the CIA and Me. http://cricketmuse.wordpress.com/2013/08/26/booksneezing-jesus-my-father-the-cia-and-me/
    Fortunately, realization and knowledge don’t always equal a total disaster of a childhood.

  2. Wow! This is an amazing write up on such a harmful disorder. I have never lived it, but a couple of very close friends did and yes, they are affected forever. Thank you for spelling it all out so well. Understanding what others have had to endure makes us better at cutting them the slack they need. I hope it makes me a better friend. 😃

  3. Thank you for the post. Health relationship between parents and a kid is essential to the kid for the whole life. There are reasons why driver license. Although I have libertarianism attitude toward many things, personally, parent license seems to be more necessary than driver license in a sense. When someone, not qualified, become a parent, it hurts so many other people as well as her/himself. Need to be educated before become a parent.

  4. Nice Blog!! Thanks for following my blog!!

  5. This is very good information here…

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